GIVE & GET HELP: PARENTS & ADULTS

You are an essential adviser and resource for your child.

As a parent or child’s ally, you’re an essential adviser and resource for your child. They deserve to be in a relationship that is free from abuse and violence.

If you believe the child in your life is being abused or controlled by their partner, let them know that it’s not acceptable. Help them understand it’s NOT their fault!

There are counselors and resources available to help your teen understand the alternatives to violence and the consequences of abusive behavior.

They need the help of the adults in their lives to identify and stop the abuse.

RED FLAGS

Red Flags to help you determine if you child is in a potentially violent relationship.

Parents / Adults

Do you notice a change in your teen’s demeanor?
Does the person your teen is dating exhibit signs of jealousy or possessiveness?
Does your teen’s partner check up on them more often than is acceptable?
Does your teen have unexplained injuries, or explanations for injuries that don’t make sense?

Has your teen stopped participating in activities they used to enjoy?
Does your teen spend less time with friends or family?
Did your teen change their appearance?
Have you noticed a change in your teen’s grades since they started dating?

HOW TO HELP

As a trusted adult, you need to trust your instincts!

This means helping your child understand what’s next when they have made a decision to leave an abusive relationship.

You might even want to talk with the victim and abuser separately. If you speak with them together, the victim might feel intimidated by the abuser’s presence and defend them.

You need to work with the teen toward a solution.

IF YOUR TEEN HAS BEEN DATING A PERSON FOR AT LEAST A MONTH

If your teen has been dating a particular individual for at least a month, there is a chance they’re developing feelings for that person. If that’s the case, you need to take a proactive approach.

Ask your child how things are going in the relationship. Consider meeting up with the family of the person they are dating in a neutral location.

For instance, suggest having a barbecue at a local park. This will give you the opportunity to get a feel for the dynamic of the other family.

Do you notice controlling behavior between the parents? Are they respectful toward each other? Pay close attention to body language.

HELPING A VICTIM?

No Judging.

Watch your body language.

Avoid getting angry.

Think carefully about what you’re going to say before you say it.

Empathize with the victim regarding the abusive behavior.

Validate the victim’s feelings toward the abuser, but don’t excuse the behavior.

Do not talk badly about the abuser. They will more than likely defend the abuser and may shut down and stop talking to you.

Educate about developing healthy relationships.

Approach the option of creating a safety plan and safely ending the relationship.

DO YOU NOTICE CONTROLLING OR ABUSIVE TENDENCIES IN A TEEN?

Point out the inappropriate behavior.

Educate about developing a healthy relationship.

Explain the consequences for continuing to abuse.

Help the teen understand and accept accountability. Find out why they’re angry enough to hurt someone.

Understand consequences.

Explain how to handle situations differently. They have the power to change their behavior.

To abuse is a choice — A very bad choice!

IF THE TEEN YOU ARE ASSISTING IS A CONCERNED BYSTANDER

If the teen you’re assisting is a concerned bystander, let them know they have the power to help safely and indirectly by:

Creating a distraction.

Find someone in authority to interfere and report the abuse. This can be a school resource officer, teacher or administrator.

SAFETY PLAN CHECKLIST

Change your phone number
Utilize *67 to block Caller ID from your next outgoing call for help.

Put the word out
Let everyone — family, friends, neighbors — know that the abuser is no longer welcome.

Social media presence

Limiting or reducing social media posting.
Blocking person or persons harassing victim.
Turn off location services.
Victim should not post location or plans.

Use social media to the victim’s advantage by posting that they’re no longer with the abuser and do not want them to contact them in any way.

Require friends to pick sides

If they’re friends with the abuser, then the victim should no longer have anything to do with the person.

Have a buddy system – Do not go anywhere alone.

Exercise caution when answering the door at home.

Make sure that contact information in school and employer files is current.

Make safe transportation arrangements.

Contact the police and file a report if there is harassing behavior from the abuser or their friends.

Know your rights to protection.

Work with an advocate to get an order of protection.

Depending on the escalation level of the abuser, consider sending your teen to stay with family or friends out of state.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR A SAFETY PLAN

The most dangerous time for a victim in an abusive relationship is when they’re ending that relationship.

It takes a victim an average of 7 times to leave an abusive relationship. https://www.thehotline.org/2013/06/10/50-obstacles-to-leaving-1-10/

Stay vigilent as abusers often times do not just go away once the relationship has ended.

81% of adults do not realize teen dating violence is an issue. Loveisrespect.org

According to the American Psychological Association 2013 Adolescent Dating Violence study:
41% of females and 37% of males report being a victim of dating violence.

35% of females and 29% of males report being a perpetrator.

29% of females and 24% of males report being both a victim and a perpetrator.

HOW SCHOOLS CAN BRING ATTENTION TO TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

February is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. Create a campaign to highlight this in their school.

Math teachers can educate students about the statistics regarding teen dating violence.

History teachers can educate on the history of teen dating violence and how we’re evolving out of it.

The English or literature teachers can assign an essay to be written about what the students learned about teen dating violence and the importance of healthy relationships on the kaitysway.org website.

The drama class or another school club could do a play on teen dating violence.

A poster or media contest about teen dating violence.

Create a dating contract.

Find a student from the student body that is passionate about healthy relationship education that could take a few minutes to explain why they believe this information is valuable.

REMEMBER

Abusers don’t always go away because the relationship has ended. It’s important that the teen must stick to the safety plan and evaluate the situation periodically to determine level of needed vigilance.